Wag the Dog - If they don't eat it first

My trip didn’t begin on an auspicious manner, but than some of the best ones have begun that way. At home I decided to see what time the flight was leaving so I called up the airport arrivals/depatures on line and checked. My flight that was suppose to leave at 2pm showed it was going early – at noon! Since it was already after nine, I went into a panic.

“Call the airline,” my wife said.

“What’s the point. It’s here in black and white!” I said panting.

“Breath into this bag. You’re having a panic attack.”

“Don’t go mistaking a panic attack for a good old fashioned heart attack!”

I called Singapore Airlines.

“Why is the plane leaving early?” I demanded.

“The plane is leaving on time, “ The attendant responded.

“It isn’t. I can see it right here” I said.

“What flight are you looking at?” she asked.

“Flight 818 I responded.”

There was a pause .

“You are looking at the arrival screen, sir. That is the flight coming in. You should be looking at the departure screen.”

“Oh.”

“Sir, are you sure you should be flying alone? Perhaps we should have somebody come and help you with your seatbelt. What did you say your name was?

If I go heaven I want to go on Singapore airlines. If I go to the other place I already know which airline will be taking me there. It’s been so long since I’ve flown on a classy international airline I’ve forgotten how things SHOULD be. If the treatment I received in coach class is an indication of the level of service, I can’t imagine what they could do to make it better in business.

I use the beer method of indicating how good an airline is. Now days when you travel internationally you’re lucky if you get one drink. On a recent Air Canada charter I summoned up my courage an asked the flight attendant for a 2^nd drink.

“Scuse me?” She said.

‘Another, beer. Do you think I might have another beer?”

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir? She said giving me “that” look.

“Enough? I’ve had one!”

“Well we’re going to be having wine with dinner.” If that should settle it.

And when traveling domestically, you now have to buy your beer. Five bucks. Now what really frosts my chestnuts is that you have to pay up front.

“That’ll be five dollars. Exact change.”

I fork over the fin and attendant takes off promising at some future time to come back with my drink. What if she doesn’t? Who’s going to take my side? What other drinking or food establishment have you been to that demands that you pay for your food or drinks“up front?”

So it was with great surprise that I had barely taken a few sips from my beer when the flight attendant showed up offering me another one.

“Would you like another one, sir?”

“Am I allowed?”

“Of course.”

“They do that, y’know,” said Andy. Andy was my Australian row mate. He had the window seat and I had the aisle seat. We sort of shared the middle seat as a common area. We’d become good buddy’s over the next 16 hours.

“Yeah,” he continued, “You can have as much as you want whenever you want. Watch.”

“Scuse me, Miss.” Can I have another two cans of Tiger Beer?”

‘Of course, sir.”

“…and some red wine…”

“..certainly.”

Later when the steward was dropping off Hagendas ice cream, Andy asked me what goes best with it. “Contreau or Bailey’s??

“Definitely Bailey’s I replied.

Andy works in oil fields and consumes more alcohol than he finds. I think he flies Singapore just for the bar service.

Andy has a theory why we’re getting so much “free” beer.

“It’s like this thing I saw on Oprah. I think it’s called “The Secret.” It’s sort of a “Positive thinking thing.” If you really want something, and concentrate hard enough, it will come.”

A moment of silence takes place between us.

“Would you two gentlemen, like something to drink?”

“See it works.”

“I’ll take a beer, maybe for later. What about you, Andy?”

“Nah, I’m beered out.” I’ll have a cognac.

We put our drinks on the middle table for later

The meals are actually edible on this airline and they serve them on real china with real metal cutlery. Obviously they’ve gotten over the fear that some crazed Australian, drunk on ice cream and Bailey’s is going to try and storm the flight deck with a butter knife.

There are a lot choices for your meals. There’s always two asian choices, two Indian choices and two North American choices. Now the nice thing is that not only is the food good, they actually have food. Traveling on the Airline From Hell, if you’re sitting near the back, your meal choices usually go like this.

“Will that be chicken or beef?
”Chicken.”

‘We’re all out of chicken.”

“Then why did you ask?”

“One more comment like that and there’ll be no wine with your dinner.”

On the last trip, they actually ran totally our of food when they got to the last few rows.

“I’m sorry, sir, we’re out of food. Someone miscalculated.”

“I hope it’s not the same guy who calculates how much fuel you need.”

When I expressed my unhappiness, I was offered a “Crew Meal.” It was pointed out that if I accepted this one of the crew would go out with a meal, and what with the captain being hypoglycemic……

“Would you like red or white wine with your non-meal?
”I’ll take red.”

“We’re out of red!”

Not so on Singapore airlines. Lots of Food. For the first couple of meals (The first leg of the flight from Vancouver to Seoul was 11 hours, so several meals.) I stuck with the North American choices, but on the last meal, fueled by several cans of Tiger beer that the flight attendant “forced” on me, I decided to try something a little more “adventuresome.”

“What would you like, sir?”

“I’ll try the spicy Korean Fish.”

Just for a moment I saw her eyebrows arch.

“Are you sure, sir?”

“Of course, I’m sure. I’m going to be in asia for three weeks I might as well get used to eating the local food.”

Now I’m used spicy foods. On Jewish holidays we have Gefilta Fish with “Horaine.” Horaine is chopped hot horseradish mixed with beat juice. One small taste will usually clear your sinuses for a month. But when it comes to “hot” the Koreans have it all over the Jews.

When my Korean Spicy fish arrived I took a nice big bite. I suddenly realized that what I thought was fish in a spicy tomato sauce, was in fact fish in that spicy “hot sauce” you see in asian restaurants. Basically it’s liquefied hot chili peppers. At the first bite the top of my head nearly came off. I reached for my spare beer on the centre table only to find that Andy had some how recovered from his beered out state and was finishing it.

“Have the contreau.” He suggested.”It goes good with fish.”

“Are you crazy?” I gasped. If I take a swig of that I’ll explode in a ball of flames and we’ll all die!”

Just like magic the flight attendant showed up. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked.

“Two” said Andy.

As she handed them to Andy, he said, “And my mate here will have one too.”

About 9 hours into the flight, Andy began to vibrate. I was wondering if he’d had too much to drink.

“I need a smoke,” He said. “It’s been11 hours!!

When the plane landed Andy actually shoved his way to the front of the line and was the first person off the plane. As I was walking to the new gate, I saw him in a smoking area puffing madly. He was actually smoking two cigarettes at the same time. It was sort of like that great scene in Casablanca when Rick lights two cigarettes and offers one to the leading lady. If Andy had been in that scene he would have throttled her before he gave up one of his.

Andy was hopeful that he get his own row of seats on the 5 hour jaunt from Seoul to Singapore. There were a few empty rows and the flight attendant said as soon as the door’s were closed, Andy could grab one row. Andy kept a nervous eye on the two empty rows near us. As soon as the door closed he stood up. What he didn’t count on was two of the fastest Asian guys in the world who hurtled themselves into the rows before Andy could react. Andy was left standing there like the preverbial fat kid in Kindergarten who never figures out how musical chairs worked. He resigned himself to spending the rest of the trip sharing a row with me.

“Now my friend Alex would NEVER let that happen.” I pointed out to him. Alex would have positioned himself in front of the row to prevent any unauthorized entry. If somehow someone got by him, Alex would have picked him up by the scruff of the neck and the back of his pants and tossed him into one of the open overhead bins.

I arrived in Singapore around midnight. With 10 hours to wait I looked into the Transit Hotel, which is right in the Arrivals wing. You can rent a room by the hour. It doesn’t come with a girl, though. What it did come with was a jack hammer working around the clock. The desk graciously gave me earplugs. I didn’t need them.

So it’s now on the Hanoi! Let the games begin.